I'm just putting it out there. Admission is the first step, right? And I admit, I am selfish. This has become quite evident to me in the last few months. Although, looking back on my life, I am sure it was evident to everyone else long before now.
My church ladies are currently studying the book of Ruth together. Ruth is my middle name. I used to loathe it as an old lady name. But, as I read and reread the story of Ruth, I am thankful to be named after such a faithful, Godly, courageous woman. In an attempt to know all I can about my namesake I picked up Sinclair Ferguson's book A Faithful God. In the beginning chapters of his commentary on Ruth, Mr. Ferguson proposes that Naomi's bitter circumstances were allowed by a loving God for the conversion of Ruth. I don't like my life circumstances sometimes. I have sailed some troubled waters the last few years. But, if it were all for the conversion of one, would I count those situations as "worth it?" Would I be willing to endure them again for the redemption of one soul? Heaven help me, I don't know that I can honestly say that I would. So, when it comes right down to it, this confession means that comfort, temporary satisfaction, and self are my gods. I have idols. I am an idolater.
In Romans 9:3 Paul says, "For I wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers..." Naomi endured hard times, extremely hard times, willingly or not, that led to the conversion of Ruth. Paul is willing, WISHING, that he could give up his salvation, his relationship with His Lord and Savior, for the sake of his kinsman. While there is a chance I would relive the hard times of the last few years for the salvation of someone I love, I am hard pressed to think of one person that I love so dearly that I would wish to surrender my own salvation for theirs. This is nothing to be proud of, but it would be a lie for me to claim otherwise. Go ahead and judge me; I have already judged myself. I am selfish. I warned you of that at the beginning of all of this.
My parents relocated recently to the sunshine state. As such, we had a white Christmas. And by white Christmas I mean white sandy beaches and white hot heat. Their new church is involved in a ministry of feeding the homeless on a monthly basis. It just so happened that the Monday before Christmas was their day to go downtown, and I was in town. In theory I like the idea of serving others. But, again, my selfishness reminds me that in truth, I like serving for the warm and fuzzy feeling I get more than anything. Sigh. After the meal there was a service. I have never seen people with so little praise God with so much. They were thanking Him for Christmas: not the gifts they would be getting for Christmas. Because there weren't any. Not the big meal they would be enjoying on Christmas day. Because there wasn't one. Not the family or friends they would be spending time with. Because they had none. They were praising Him for Christmas, simply that-the sending of His Son for their salvation.
I had dinner with a dear friend a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing a very serious, very hard, life-altering, situation currently concerning her family. A situation that puts my last two years into perspective pretty.darn.quick. With every good intention many Christians have reassured my friend, K, that "God works all things together for our good." So many people forget the second half of that verse..."for the good of them that love Him AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE." And ladies and gentlemen, as Christians our primary purpose is to glorify Him. While in our human understanding we may think we know what is most glorifying to God. We don't. We aren't God and His ways are not our ways-they are infinitely higher than our ways. Thank heavens. Because my ways are selfish and sinful. It occurred to me in the midst of said conversation, God is receiving more glory through my singleness at the moment (and perhaps forever), than through answering "yes" to my relentless prayers for a mate. Me being able to live single with joy and contentment is only by His strength in my weakness. My selfishness, most times, desires a yes answer to my prayer more than His glory. Emphatic sigh.
In 2016 I want to be less concerned with my own comfort, and more concerned about the lost. Less concerned about my sleep and more concerned about waking up to spend time with the Lord. Less concerned about new clothes/shoes/purses/make-up (fill in the blank) and more concerned with giving. Less concerned with my desires and more concerned with His glory. Less selfish and more selfless. And if admission to a problem is truly the first step, then by God's grace, I am headed in the right direction.
