Anxiety Girl

Yes, unfortunately, very often this is the cape I wear.  When I was little my favorite thing to do was to go to my room and "imaginate."  That vivid imagination has not always served me well.  It allows me to drum up the most awful situations possible and then spend minutes, hours, sometimes days, playing said situations out in my mind..to the point of tears..mourning over things that haven't even happened.  True story.  And, this past week I paired that imagination with prescription pain medication that apparently made me crazy. (As in one morning I was blow drying my hair, innocently sitting there with brush and dryer in hand, and spontaneously combusted into hiccuping sobs.  I am still not sure what I was crying over.)  Also thrown in the equation was the reason for the pain medication, an absessed incredibly painful tooth, and life with twists and turns that I never saw coming.  This was not my best week.  And that was perhaps the biggest understatement I have ever made. I feel like I owe some of those closest to me an apology for my craziness this week...I probably owe them more than that.  Poor things had to hear me cry over these imaginary "what ifs" and pleasantly reassured me, multiple times.  (Well, they appeared pleasant on the outside...heaven only knows what they were thinking on the inside;)  One of my dearest friends did finally tell me to "stop thinking."  Ha.) 

While I am hopeful, I still don't know how this particular life situation with its twists and turns will turn out.  But, I think that's the point.  I can never know the future.  God doesn't give me grace for tomorrow.  He gives me grace for today.  I am not even guaranteed tomorrow, so why allow the enemy to steal my joy from today?  He did come to steal, kill, and destroy-and by focusing on the worry and the crazy thoughts, I am allowing him to do just that.  However, if my joy is dependent on the future, and the future occuring just as I hope, well its misplaced anyway.  My joy comes from the hope I have in Christ.  I am incredibly thankful for the gifts the Lord has blessed me with...incredibly thankful.  But, God isn't good because of those gifts...and God would still be good if He took those gifts away.  So, today I took off my anxiety girl cape.  I am done being a super worrier.  Today I chose to trust that I have a hope and a future, because I have a real relationship with a real Savior who loved me enough to give His very life for me to ensure that hope and future.  Oh, I still ask the Lord for those earthly gifts He has given me to not go anywhere, after all the Lord already knows the desires of my heart...but, I will not mourn over the "what-ifs" (those gifts should go somewhere).  I will stop thinking.  I will stop "imaginating."  I will trust.  Because He is good.

Unanswered Prayers

Its Thanksgiving.  For the last few years I have run the Turkey Day 8k race in my parent's hometown.  However, I played it safe this year, and after a day at the Biltmore House yesterday (including approximately 1000 stairs) my knee is a bit...sore.  Plus, lest you forgot, I ran a Marathon a little over a week ago.  (I am not certain how long I can continue to use that excuse, but for now, I am milking it.)  Its rather unfortunate actually because, I really like this race.  Its a flat course, and I routinely PR, in part because I know that Grandma's sweet potato souffle is waiting not too far from the finish line.  In the weeks before the marathon as I was praying for things like good weather and good GU's at the water stops (I can't stand that orange GU-I was holding my breath for chocolate or vanilla) I asked the Lord to protect my body from injury.  I no longer believe my knee is seriously injured, but in hopes of running again one day, I do not want to risk it, alas no Turkey Day 8k for me.  It was a bit hard to be too sad however, since this morning I slept in until 8:30, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade cuddled up in my parent's king size bed with my sisters and my coffee, and leisurely prepared green bean casserole for lunch later this afternoon.  When I was a little kid we used to sing a song about God always answering prayers.  The catchy chorus says, "sometimes He may say yes, sometimes He may say no, sometimes He may say wait, wait, wait, but God always answers prayers."  One of my other old favorites is Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers." (I should point out, just in case you forgot my dad is a pastor, I realize that no prayer goes unanswered...I never claimed Garth was a theologian...)  But, my point remains, I am thankful for the fact that the Lord knows better than I do and that there are many things that I think I want or need, and yet the Lord says no.  So, on this Thanksgiving Day I thought I would make a list of "unanswered prayers" for which I am thankful.

1-I always prayed that I would become a successful physical therapist in a big city.  For some reason even when I was 12 that's the vision I had for my life.  Living in Chicago, taking the subway to work...and yet, here I am, living in small-town, VA, and teaching.  Not at all what I planned or prayed for my life.  And yet, I cannot think of anything else that would make me more joyful or more fulfilled. 

2-Ex-boyfriends/relationships...enough said.

3-There was a job opportunity last year that would have taken me out of the state.  It seemed like a dream-come-true situation, there were just a few specifics I had to wait on in order for the job to work out. I continued to wait, faithfully prayed, and believed that this was the Lord's plan for my life.  It came time for my contract at my current job and I realized I had to make a decision.  Without the specifics in place, I did not feel like I could make a logical or wise decision to NOT re-sign at my current place of employment for the following year.  Please don't be confused, I LOVE my current job and truly don't believe there is another school in America like mine, but this other job was just too-good-to-be-true.  However, the details did not pan out, I signed my current contract, and in small-town VA I remain.  What a year 2011-2012 is turning out to be.  The Lord has brought some incredible friends into my life over the last year.  I was just telling my mom last night how blessed I am with the dear friends I have in my hometown.  Not to mention, I probably wouldn't have ever run a marathon-and I certainly wouldn't have had as good of a training partner or support system....

4-Perhaps this one isn't so much my "unanswered prayer" as my "un-prayed prayer."  My sister, Jessica, continually begged my parents to have another child after Ryan was born.  For years she would give them a pacifier for Christmas, in hopes that they would have need for it in the coming year.  Jessica prayed that the Lord would allow her to have a new baby brother or sister.  I didn't.  It's not that I don't like babies, because I do.  But, I was getting older (as in, in high school) and I figured it may be a bit embarrassing if my mom showed up pregnant at my high school graduation.  Don't worry, the Lord saved me from that perceived "embarrassment."  Instead He allowed her to be pregnant at my COLLEGE graduation.  And I am so thankful because I CANNOT imagine life without our Jayden Abigail.  (For the record, Jayden means "God has heard.")  She is the kindest, most generous, joyful kid.  Her love for the Lord and relationship with Him is an encouragement and a challenge to me.  She epidimizes the "child-like faith" that so many of us adults have lost.  She is wise beyond her 9 short years.  I often feel like I am conversing with an adult, and yet, she is so goofy and makes me laugh like not many other people can.  Thank the Lord He knows so much better than me!!

So, Happy Thanksgiving!  Take a minute to thank the Lord for the fact that "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)  Or in the also wise words of Garth "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."