Endures all things...

Hope...

Anxiety Girl

Yes, unfortunately, very often this is the cape I wear.  When I was little my favorite thing to do was to go to my room and "imaginate."  That vivid imagination has not always served me well.  It allows me to drum up the most awful situations possible and then spend minutes, hours, sometimes days, playing said situations out in my mind..to the point of tears..mourning over things that haven't even happened.  True story.  And, this past week I paired that imagination with prescription pain medication that apparently made me crazy. (As in one morning I was blow drying my hair, innocently sitting there with brush and dryer in hand, and spontaneously combusted into hiccuping sobs.  I am still not sure what I was crying over.)  Also thrown in the equation was the reason for the pain medication, an absessed incredibly painful tooth, and life with twists and turns that I never saw coming.  This was not my best week.  And that was perhaps the biggest understatement I have ever made. I feel like I owe some of those closest to me an apology for my craziness this week...I probably owe them more than that.  Poor things had to hear me cry over these imaginary "what ifs" and pleasantly reassured me, multiple times.  (Well, they appeared pleasant on the outside...heaven only knows what they were thinking on the inside;)  One of my dearest friends did finally tell me to "stop thinking."  Ha.) 

While I am hopeful, I still don't know how this particular life situation with its twists and turns will turn out.  But, I think that's the point.  I can never know the future.  God doesn't give me grace for tomorrow.  He gives me grace for today.  I am not even guaranteed tomorrow, so why allow the enemy to steal my joy from today?  He did come to steal, kill, and destroy-and by focusing on the worry and the crazy thoughts, I am allowing him to do just that.  However, if my joy is dependent on the future, and the future occuring just as I hope, well its misplaced anyway.  My joy comes from the hope I have in Christ.  I am incredibly thankful for the gifts the Lord has blessed me with...incredibly thankful.  But, God isn't good because of those gifts...and God would still be good if He took those gifts away.  So, today I took off my anxiety girl cape.  I am done being a super worrier.  Today I chose to trust that I have a hope and a future, because I have a real relationship with a real Savior who loved me enough to give His very life for me to ensure that hope and future.  Oh, I still ask the Lord for those earthly gifts He has given me to not go anywhere, after all the Lord already knows the desires of my heart...but, I will not mourn over the "what-ifs" (those gifts should go somewhere).  I will stop thinking.  I will stop "imaginating."  I will trust.  Because He is good.

Missing the Silver Lining

My.Sentiments.Exactly.

And just for good measure...

Don't worry.  There are no plans to move to Australia.  But, I may or may not have considered it a few times this past week. 

On the upside...next week can only get better.  I think.

Answered Prayers.Ugh.

I am always surprised when I receive direct answers to prayer. I know-I shouldn't be, but time after time the Lord answers my prayers and I sit back and think "Wow, that really just happened." I would like to believe it is more of an awe or amazement at His goodness and faithfulness and His love for me rather than a shock that He really is all-powerful and really does care about my life. Either way, I am continually amazed by His answers. These past few months have brought specific answers to prayers which I have been praying for years...prayers I had all but given up on believing God's answer may just be a resounding "no." And as hard as that would have been, it would have been okay. Because I know His ways are higher than mine. And after all, just a few months ago I blogged on my gratitude for unanswered prayers. However, this week I am not struggling with the "no" answers or even the seemingly "unanswered prayers." Quite the opposite actually, this week I am struggling because of answered prayers.


You see, my greatest desire is to be made more like Christ, to be a reflection of His love, grace, and goodness to the world. I have been told I am quite self-aware...which most likely is a nice way of saying I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl. I don't put up pre-tenses and I am honest, maybe to a fault. That honesty can carry over into the way I view myself. I am keenly aware of some (no, not all!) of the areas in which I struggle. And I spend time asking the Lord to change those areas, to make me more like Him and less like impatient, stubborn, selfish, anxious, me. I guess I just never realized quite how painful that refining process would be. Nor did I realize that one event would reveal my weaknesses in EVERY one of those areas. Yes, I am once again amazed at the Lord's direct answer to my prayers. But the jury is still out on whether this is a "good" amazed.


For years I have prayed that the Lord would teach me to become more patient. After all, this is a fruit of the Spirit, and one I would never possess in my own strength. I am incredibly impatient. I hate to wait. I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I see the newest thing and I have to have it..yesterday. When I was little, money burnt a hole in my pocket. I had to spend it...immediately. I thought becoming a teacher was God's way of teaching me patience. After all, you try dealing with fifty-one 9 yearn olds on a daily basis and see if it doesn't stretch...errr increase....your patience. I thought being single at the age of 30 was God's way of teaching me patience. Especially after I have watched several of my old campers (yes, I spent a few summers as a teen camp counselor) grow up, get married, and have their own children. Oh, I am certain the Lord is using those things to increase my patience, but apparently I am a really slow learner or (thank the Lord) He isn't finished working on me yet, because this week He placed a HUGE "hurry up and wait" situation in my life. Though not necessarily Scriptural, I am sure it was still a wise person who said, "Good things come to those who wait." Dear me, I hope so. Check back in a few months and I'll let you know for sure. I do know that the Lord will not waste this opportunity. If I allow Him to, He will increase my patience in this storm whether or not I get what I am hoping for at the end of it. By the way, I texted a friend this weekend and asked her to pray that I would EXERCISE patience...not LEARN patience. I would be ever so grateful if the rest of you praying friends would do the same. I don't think I can handle many more "opportunities" to learn it right about now.


One of my greatest prayers for 2012 was that I would truly allow the Lord to be Lord of ALL in my life: that I would wholly surrender to His Lordship. If you know me you know I prefer...control. Allowing the LORD to control every area, to be completely obedient to whatever He asks of me, that is my prayer. I didn't realize just how quickly that would be tested. Here I sit being given the opportunity to truly surrender, to be completely obedient to a situation that I would have never chosen for myself, and honestly a situation I do not
understand, and may not even be in agreement with. Yet, nowhere in Scripture do I see where
understanding or agreement are pre-requisites for obedience. I am certain Abraham did not understand or agree with the sacrifice of his son, and yet he was willing to obey. And so I decided to obey. And I wish that was the end of it...that I had simply said "Your way, Lord, I surrender. I will be obedient." But there was a song we used to sing about obedience being, "doing exactly what the Lord commands and doing it happily." Oh, I am doing the exactly, but honestly, I am struggling with the happily. I will wrestle with God for a bit (if Jacob did, can't I?), pray for perspective, contentment, and true joy, and hopefully, prayerfully, completely surrender. Of course, that prayer for complete surrender got me here in the first place...


Deuteronomy 6:5 instructs us to love the Lord our God With ALL of our heart, soul, and
strength. My church urged us to pray this verse in February...you know Valentine's Day and all of that lovey dovey garbage. Anyway, I did. I prayed that the Lord would help me to love Him,
which I do, with my ALL, which I don't-at least not always. Oh, how I want to, but it is obvious to me today, yesterday, the day before, more than ever that there are people and things which have taken His rightful place of being my First Love. A.W. Tozer puts it this way, "Sin has introduced complications and has made those very gifts of God a potential source of ruin to the soul." When I prayed that the Lord would teach me to love Him with my all He had to root out whatever gifts He had given me that I loved and cherished more than Him. Of course He did! And logically if I loved it and cherished it that much, it hurt when it was taken away. Why didn't I think of that at the beginning of February? Or avoid it all together by never letting anyone or anything else take the rightful place of the Lord? Enter frustration.


Perhaps my fear and anxiety of the "what if" goes hand in hand with my control issues. But I always try to determine the possible outcome of every situation so that I will have a plan of attack should that possibility become a reality. Come on, that doesn't sound all THAT controlling does it? I pray that the Lord will teach me to trust Him completely. One of my very favorite verses, which ironically I often ignore, is JeremIah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans for a hope and a future." If I truly believe this is a promise of my God and not just beautifully written words I should stop living in the fear and anxiety of what if the end of this trial turns out nothing like I had pictured? What if everything changes? What if, what if, what if...worry, worry, worry...Eugenia Ginsburg, a Russian woman imprisoned for 13 years for being a teacher wrote in her book Journey into the Whirlwind that the most anxious she felt was before she was ever arrested. The weeks leading up to her imprisonment were worse, "Perhaps because waiting for an inevitable disaster is worse than the disaster itself." Waiting for my "what if" which isn't even inevitable in my case leads to absolute torture of my heart, soul, and mind. Corrie ten Boom puts it like this, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." And as I lay in my bed crying and fretting over a future I don't control anyway, I realize how weak I am. How's this for a what if...what if I would truly learn to trust my Savior, the One who really does have a hope and a future for me...even if it doesn't look anything like the future I am so hopeful for.


Lesson learned here friends: don't pray for what you don't want answered. And while I have your attention: those of you who know me well enough to know my weaknesses and pray that the Lord would work in those areas of my life....could you maybe take a few days, weeks, months even, off...seriously;) All joking aside, I am so thankful He promises to never give me more than I can handle, and thankful that He is not through working on me, molding me, and making me more like Him. I would have given up on me years ago!!

The Lost Art of Being Modest

I should warn you…I am climbing on a soap box…possible rant ahead.

Every Wednesday night a group of my girlfriends (all teachers) and I hit the town for a rousing ladies’ night.  Okay, truthfully most Wednesdays we end up at Cracker Barrel-yea, not all that rousing.  And, we used to meet at 6:30-7:00, but lately we have moved the time back to 5:30-6:00 in order to be done earlier so we can go to bed earlier-translated: we are getting old.  However, one time we did cause a couple at Applebees to ask for a different table because apparently we were having too much fun for them.  (Sidenote: I don’t think Applebees is the place to go if you expect a quiet, intimate, romantic dinner-but then, that’s just my opinion.)  Well, last night we got adventurous and headed downtown for a trendy restaurant.  (And I am not ashamed to admit a few of us even donned sweatpants to celebrate the event-and by a few of us, I mean the other girls.)  Okay, when I say trendy restaurant picture industrial space, brick walls, exposed ducts, big bar, limited seating, etc.  But, I live in a small, conservative, southern town, so even our trendy restaurants that attract local singles (young and old…currently I am picturing the old, loud, drunk lady at the bar next to our table), the environment remains family friendly.  At least, I always thought so.  One negative of the downtown hotspot is that there is typically a LONG wait…a seriously LONG wait.  I am not very good at waiting in any aspect of my life.  However, I have discovered when the waiting is only for minutes (or almost an hour as may be the case) rather than say, years, I can survive by people watching.  So, last night as we waited for a table, I observed the other parties who came in to dine.  Apparently we were not the only ones who had the idea for a “ladies’ night.”  About five minutes after we arrived a group of what I would assume were college girls (heaven forbid they were any younger), entered wearing minimal clothing.  Might I add, it IS January for crying out loud?  Anyway, it was a rather large group, say 6 girls, and so it was hard to take them all in at once.  Most were in short, black skirts and or dresses, and by short I mean above mid-thigh, lacey tights, thigh-high boots, tank tops, I think you get the point.  I even looked around to see if somehow we had inadvertently made our way into a downtown night club instead of an eatery.  Well, out of the midst of the pack emerged the leader.  She sauntered up to the hostess stand, slightly bent over (I would assume in order to be heard over the before mentioned old, loud, drunk lady at the bar) and again assuming here, gave the hostess her name.  Actually, I can’t be sure what she said, or even that she was having a conversation, because when she slightly leaned her SWEATER that she somehow mistook as a DRESS inched up even further (as if it really had anywhere to go) and I had to bite my tongue so as not to embarrass my friends by breaking out in, “I see London, I see France…”  Unfortunately, the underpants were so minimalistic I am not even sure I would have been justified in singing that rhyme.  I was absolutely, completely, totally, horribly mortified.  Especially when the 7 year-old sitting next to us with her obviously appalled mother and father leaned over to tell her mom that she also could see “Victoria’s Secret.”  Okay, let’s face it, everyone around this girl was staring and whispering.  And yes, it was probably judgmental, and yes, she has the right to dress how she chooses, but then she had no right to get upset when others began to stare and whisper.  I am sorry, but I am of the opinion that the ONLY reason you dress that way is to get attention.  You don’t put on a long sweater, pretend it is a dress, and go out thinking “Boy, I hope no one notices that my rear end almost hangs out in this.  I really would hate to get any extra attention.” (I am prepared to argue this point, judgmental or not.)  However, regardless of “rights” my point (and my soap box) is much larger than all of this.  I have to ask myself why.  Why, when I take my little nine-year-old sister shopping, do I feel like the clothes options are less for a nine-year-old and more for a nine-year-old version of a 21 year-old (and an inappropriate 21 year-old at that)?  Why, when I drive down the road with my brother or dad or guy friends do I feel like I should have to cover their eyes because of the billboards lining the road?  Why do we as a society have absolutely no concept of modesty anymore??

And now as I climb on my soap box, I should preface this rant with a statement: 

I love fashion.  And I would like to think that I am a reasonably well-dressed, somewhat fashionable, teacher (yes, that may be an oxy-moron).  However, one of the best compliments I have ever received is that I don’t look like a teacher;)  I do not believe you have to sacrifice fashion and looking nicely put-together for modesty.  (As a matter of fact, I think if you walk around in sweat pants, yoga pants, and especially pajama pants in public on a fairly consistent basis, we probably need to have a talk also.  But, at least those pants cover what needs to be covered.)  Anyway, there are creative, fashionable, and even cute ways to dress in the latest trends without looking…let’s say inappropriate (for lack of a better term…well, I have better terms-I’m just not sure I should use those terms in print.;) 

So, where has modesty gone? 

Society tells us that in order to attract a man women not only have to look a certain way, they must also dress a certain way-and typically that way is to “show-off” the certain way that you look.  Let me ask you a question, ladies.  What kind of man are you hoping to attract (or if you already have your man, what kind of man are you hoping your daughters/sisters/friends will attract)?  I would guess the majority of you who read my blog are hoping to attract a Godly man whose main desire in life is to love and serve God with his whole heart.  If this is the case, chances are he is looking for the same kind of woman.  And, that sweater “dress” (or whatever immodest piece of clothing you may wear) does not scream “Proverbs 31” woman over here.  I want to be pursued.  I am worth being pursued.  For heaven’s sakes, Christ left heaven, came to earth, suffered and died, and pursued me because He loved me.  I am worth a man having to do a little work to win me.  But, if we walk around exposing too much why would a man pursue us?  We have destroyed part of the mystery of the pursuit. 

I have often heard it said that whatever you had to do to attract your man, you will have to do to keep him.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to be physically attractive to the man I marry.  However, if all I have going for me in his eyes is the way I look, I am in trouble!  The Bible tells us that beauty is fleeting.  I WILL get old, I MAY get wrinkles;)  Chances are I won’t be running marathons 20 years from now, which may mean my body will…ummm…change.  But, if my man falls in love with my heart, with my desire to know the Lord, to love the Lord, to serve the Lord, hopefully those things will only increase in my life over the years.  I pray I will only grow to become MORE like Christ as the years go by.  His love, His beauty, His grace shining through me…causing my countenance to glow-I want THAT to be the attracting factor for my man-NOT my body and the clothes I wear to flaunt it.

I am a teacher.  I teach 4^th grade, nine-year-old girls.  Every year I am more and more astounded by the amount of time these girls spend talking about their weight and the way they appear.  It saddens me as I know most of these girls haven’t even reached puberty yet, they still have their little girl faces and some little girl chubbiness, and yet they are worried about the nutritional value of their granola bar for snack because they think they are, “SOO fat.”  Who has made these girls think that way?  Surely most nine-year-olds aren’t born to eventually believe they are fat.  To what are they comparing themselves?  Or perhaps we should be asking the better question-what kind of role models are we giving them for a comparison?  I think (and I could be a bit prideful in this thinking), but I think my little sister looks up to me.  I think that (most days) she thinks I hung the moon.  Knowing that she is watching me and wants to be like me should make me question how I dress, how I talk, how I act in front of her.  Most of us would never use inappropriate language in front of younger kids.  And yet, many of us have no problem (or just don't think about) talking about  how “fat we are” or how much “weight we have gained, ugh,” in front of our sisters, daughters, etc.  Please know, I am preaching to the choir here.  And it really hit home when over Christmas vacation my little sister said to me (after stepping on the scale), “Oh that is ridiculous.  No nine- year-old should ever weigh THAT much.”  And here-in lies the problem: when we put all of the emphasis on our bodies and the way our bodies look, we only confirm the message that society sends…your worth lies in how you look.  You are only valuable to (fill-in-the-blank) if you wear a certain size, have certain measurements, etc.  And indeed, the only way to attract someone is if you flaunt said measurements.  Inadvertently, and I am certain quite unintentionally, our focus on our weight, our bodies, may be leading our younger generation right into that store in the mall that I mentioned earlier where 9 year-olds can purchase mini-versions of a 21 year-old's clubbing clothes.

I am a fixer.  When I see a problem, I want to solve it.  I am also a rule follower.  I would love nothing better than to give you a list of “modesty rules.”  Ay, but there’s the rub.  There are good intentioned people with the personal conviction that no man or woman should ever show his/her thigh.  While this is not my personal conviction, I would rather err on the side of caution and being overly modest than the other side.  The Bible doesn’t specifically tell me that a higher than mid-thigh black mini is inappropriate (at least not in those exact words).  However, the Bible does tell me that every aspect of my life should be lived to bring honor and glory to my Lord and Savior.  I am His poem to the world.  And what I wear reflects significantly about who I am and whose I am.  Think about it, you identify referees in ball games due to their stripes.  When I cannot find my favorite coffee at Wal-Mart I immediately search for a blue-vested, smiling employee.  Their clothing gives them an identity and identifies what they do.  I want my clothing to identify me as a princess of the King, as one that wholeheartedly follows Him.  I don’t necessarily want my clothing to draw attention to ME and MY body, but to draw attention to the One IN me.  For those of you who are still looking for a bit more guidance, or more practical “rules” check out Dannah Gresh’s Six Ways to Keep the “Little” in your Girl.  She gives modesty “tests” for clothing and even accompanies each test with a picture (for all of you visual learners).  (By the way, great book and great resource anyway-even if you feel like you already have a handle on the modesty issue!  And she has a website http://www.secretkeepergirl.com/ which contains a modesty project.)  For those of you who aren’t currently raising/influencing the lives of young ladies, check out Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s The Look: Does God Really Care What I Wear for yourself.  Another great resource that will likely challenge the way you think about and answer the age old, “What will I wear tomorrow?” dilemma.

Okay, climbing off of my soap box.  I am going to go put on some sweat pants and curl up with a book-on my couch.  By the way, as far as I am concerned, sweat pants are perfectly acceptable “curl-up-on-the-couch” attire…(but don’t let me catch you at the grocery store with them on!) 

Unanswered Prayers

Its Thanksgiving.  For the last few years I have run the Turkey Day 8k race in my parent's hometown.  However, I played it safe this year, and after a day at the Biltmore House yesterday (including approximately 1000 stairs) my knee is a bit...sore.  Plus, lest you forgot, I ran a Marathon a little over a week ago.  (I am not certain how long I can continue to use that excuse, but for now, I am milking it.)  Its rather unfortunate actually because, I really like this race.  Its a flat course, and I routinely PR, in part because I know that Grandma's sweet potato souffle is waiting not too far from the finish line.  In the weeks before the marathon as I was praying for things like good weather and good GU's at the water stops (I can't stand that orange GU-I was holding my breath for chocolate or vanilla) I asked the Lord to protect my body from injury.  I no longer believe my knee is seriously injured, but in hopes of running again one day, I do not want to risk it, alas no Turkey Day 8k for me.  It was a bit hard to be too sad however, since this morning I slept in until 8:30, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade cuddled up in my parent's king size bed with my sisters and my coffee, and leisurely prepared green bean casserole for lunch later this afternoon.  When I was a little kid we used to sing a song about God always answering prayers.  The catchy chorus says, "sometimes He may say yes, sometimes He may say no, sometimes He may say wait, wait, wait, but God always answers prayers."  One of my other old favorites is Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers." (I should point out, just in case you forgot my dad is a pastor, I realize that no prayer goes unanswered...I never claimed Garth was a theologian...)  But, my point remains, I am thankful for the fact that the Lord knows better than I do and that there are many things that I think I want or need, and yet the Lord says no.  So, on this Thanksgiving Day I thought I would make a list of "unanswered prayers" for which I am thankful.

1-I always prayed that I would become a successful physical therapist in a big city.  For some reason even when I was 12 that's the vision I had for my life.  Living in Chicago, taking the subway to work...and yet, here I am, living in small-town, VA, and teaching.  Not at all what I planned or prayed for my life.  And yet, I cannot think of anything else that would make me more joyful or more fulfilled. 

2-Ex-boyfriends/relationships...enough said.

3-There was a job opportunity last year that would have taken me out of the state.  It seemed like a dream-come-true situation, there were just a few specifics I had to wait on in order for the job to work out. I continued to wait, faithfully prayed, and believed that this was the Lord's plan for my life.  It came time for my contract at my current job and I realized I had to make a decision.  Without the specifics in place, I did not feel like I could make a logical or wise decision to NOT re-sign at my current place of employment for the following year.  Please don't be confused, I LOVE my current job and truly don't believe there is another school in America like mine, but this other job was just too-good-to-be-true.  However, the details did not pan out, I signed my current contract, and in small-town VA I remain.  What a year 2011-2012 is turning out to be.  The Lord has brought some incredible friends into my life over the last year.  I was just telling my mom last night how blessed I am with the dear friends I have in my hometown.  Not to mention, I probably wouldn't have ever run a marathon-and I certainly wouldn't have had as good of a training partner or support system....

4-Perhaps this one isn't so much my "unanswered prayer" as my "un-prayed prayer."  My sister, Jessica, continually begged my parents to have another child after Ryan was born.  For years she would give them a pacifier for Christmas, in hopes that they would have need for it in the coming year.  Jessica prayed that the Lord would allow her to have a new baby brother or sister.  I didn't.  It's not that I don't like babies, because I do.  But, I was getting older (as in, in high school) and I figured it may be a bit embarrassing if my mom showed up pregnant at my high school graduation.  Don't worry, the Lord saved me from that perceived "embarrassment."  Instead He allowed her to be pregnant at my COLLEGE graduation.  And I am so thankful because I CANNOT imagine life without our Jayden Abigail.  (For the record, Jayden means "God has heard.")  She is the kindest, most generous, joyful kid.  Her love for the Lord and relationship with Him is an encouragement and a challenge to me.  She epidimizes the "child-like faith" that so many of us adults have lost.  She is wise beyond her 9 short years.  I often feel like I am conversing with an adult, and yet, she is so goofy and makes me laugh like not many other people can.  Thank the Lord He knows so much better than me!!

So, Happy Thanksgiving!  Take a minute to thank the Lord for the fact that "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)  Or in the also wise words of Garth "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."