She's Baaack

A lot has happened since my last entry.  A lot.

1. I have loved.  And lost.  Still on the fence about whether that's better than never having loved at all. (Joking.  Kind of.)
2. I don't run anymore.  Call it a marathon hangover.  I have, however, developed a love/hate relationship with Shaun T and his "Insanity."
3. I was diagnosed with several health conditions.  Top offender: Candida.  Which led to a complete diet overhaul.  One that is neither fun nor easy to stick to.  But, has made me quite the kitchen experimenter.
4. Kind of like they say taste buds develop/change as you grow older-my interests/hobbies have developed and changed over the last 14 months.  I am now a lover of all things (tastefully) crafty and DIY.  This girl is even on the market for a sewing machine!
5. I took myself "off the grid."  Okay, clearly not completely.  But no more Facebook or Instagram (I never tweeted anyway).  I did succumb to the common addiction known as Pinterest.  I think that has a direct correlation to #4.

It's funny, curiously funny, to reminisce on 14 months ago and view the major changes in my life from that time compiled into a neat and tidy list,  (It's how I prefer my life, neat and tidy.) and to realize that 14 months fits into 5 bullet points.  The most life-changing, heart-wrenching, strength-growing 14 months of my life succinctly stated in 5 little talking points that take less than a minute to read.  And then to realize everything has changed and yet nothing has changed.

I am still a passionate God-girl.  Hopefully, likely, even more so now than then.  By necessity, really.  It's funny how He does that-turns our neat and tidy bullet-pointed lives upside down so our only sure stability is Him.  We realize He truly is ALL we can place our hope and assurance in-because He knows and we learn even the surest of the sure will still fail us, but His love never will.

I am still a teacher.  I still love these kids and their pure, innocent, trust.  This year I told my fifteen dear 4th graders that on my birthday I was turning 105.  Nary a one batted an eye.  I am sure that dinner table conversation was amusing.  But, I think, in their eyes, I am their teacher; therefore, I do not lie.  Even about my age.  They believe me-for better or worse.  What a reminder then, to point them always back to the source of all truth-truth that will set them free-Jesus Christ!

I still love sports.  However, now rather than grading papers during games-I craft!  I make jewelry, or wreaths, or work in my Smashbook, or peruse Pinterest for more ideas.  All while commentating on the games and perhaps yelling a few times at the TV.  Some would call me the epitome of an oxymoron.  I like to think of it as versatile, well-rounded, and even talented.

And, clearly, I am still long winded.  While I can make succinct lists-I always have to go and elaborate!  If you're still with me-Thanks-will you do me a favor and follow me?! (--> right side of the screen)  I do love writing and have used this blog in the past for many "soap box" episodes, my hope is to be a bit more practical in the future.  I want to share craft ideas and how-to's, Candida/sugar free recipes and resources, teacher stuff, Insanity (and other fitness) motivation and amusing stories (although the amusing Insanity stories are truthfully purely for the enjoyment of my BFF, Jessi), etc.  However, if you know me you will know I am nothing if not honest-so in the spirit of truthfulness I should remind you I am the daughter of a pastor and if something will preach-better believe I am climbing right back on my soapbox!  It's just, this time, my soapbox will be so much cuter since I made it myself out of an upcycled pallet and decorated it with scrapbook paper-all ideas I found on Pinterest.

Vulnerable. So be it.

Beauty in the Brokenness

Earth shattering days.

And I'm not talking about the good kind.

 I am not overly dramatic, so I should preface the following by saying earth shattering is relative.  But the events that have taken place in my life in the past few months have shaken me to my core.  They say bad things come in threes.  I think my threes must have been building up for a few years, because mine came in many multiples of three.  And all of a sudden I was left standing in the midst of rubble, destruction, pain: looking at my life, feeling as if the mountain top I had been living on had crumbled around me.  The thrill of being at the top exchanged for the despair of being enveloped by the casualties of the fall.  I have lived parts of my life angry at God, hard-hearted and bitter.  The one thing I knew I could not do, can never do again, is go back to that dark place.  And so, what do I do?  I put one foot dutifully in front of the other, checking off the to-do list of a "good Christian girl", and plodded on, all the while trying desperately to find another mountain top, another hill. And yet, here I sit, still in the valley, with mountains still shaken and hills still fallen.  I once told you I never cried, these past few months have made a liar out of me.  I have cried, I have screamed, I have begged, I have cursed (sorry, Mom!), I have run, and oh, how I have prayed.  I have asked God to lead me back up to a mountain top in my life, back to where the view is beautiful and I am no longer surrounded by brokenness.  And how sweetly the Lord asked me to see the beauty in the brokenness. 

I want to know God, every aspect of Him, intimately. Psalms 34:18 says that He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.  I had never known that God who was near to the brokenhearted, until I became the brokenhearted.  Truly, I have lived a blessed and pain-free life.  Until those (relatively speaking) earth-shattering days.  I can now tell you without a doubt, I know the God that is near to the brokenhearted.  Because that God has wrapped me in His arms and assured me and re-assured me.  The same God who spoke the world into existence knows the number of hairs on my head.  He loves me. Even when my mountains crumble, perhaps ESPECIALLY when my mountains crumble, His love, His promise of peace...it will never end.  I fear that so much of my life I have lived knowing ABOUT God, following His do's and dont's, (self) righteously checking the boxes, rather than truly KNOWING God.  Ann Voskamp says, "The modern-day Pharisees focus on sin avoidance and not firstly on Savior ardency." Trying to do the right thing, or avoid the wrong thing, rather than passionately pursuing an intimate knowledge of the One I love.  A head knowledge of my Savior, book knowledge of my Lord, it wasn't enough when my heart was in shambles.  This brokenness, the crumbling, it forced me to cling ever tighter to my God-and how can you cling to what you don't trust-and how can you trust what you don't know?  It necessitated a search for Him where I had previously only been cognizant of His existence, but never experienced it: in my pain amidst the rubble of a crumbling peak.  And I found Him there, arms opened wide, sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, completely trustworthy, near to my broken heart, and absolutely, stunningly, beautiful. 

Endures all things...

Hope...

Anxiety Girl

Yes, unfortunately, very often this is the cape I wear.  When I was little my favorite thing to do was to go to my room and "imaginate."  That vivid imagination has not always served me well.  It allows me to drum up the most awful situations possible and then spend minutes, hours, sometimes days, playing said situations out in my mind..to the point of tears..mourning over things that haven't even happened.  True story.  And, this past week I paired that imagination with prescription pain medication that apparently made me crazy. (As in one morning I was blow drying my hair, innocently sitting there with brush and dryer in hand, and spontaneously combusted into hiccuping sobs.  I am still not sure what I was crying over.)  Also thrown in the equation was the reason for the pain medication, an absessed incredibly painful tooth, and life with twists and turns that I never saw coming.  This was not my best week.  And that was perhaps the biggest understatement I have ever made. I feel like I owe some of those closest to me an apology for my craziness this week...I probably owe them more than that.  Poor things had to hear me cry over these imaginary "what ifs" and pleasantly reassured me, multiple times.  (Well, they appeared pleasant on the outside...heaven only knows what they were thinking on the inside;)  One of my dearest friends did finally tell me to "stop thinking."  Ha.) 

While I am hopeful, I still don't know how this particular life situation with its twists and turns will turn out.  But, I think that's the point.  I can never know the future.  God doesn't give me grace for tomorrow.  He gives me grace for today.  I am not even guaranteed tomorrow, so why allow the enemy to steal my joy from today?  He did come to steal, kill, and destroy-and by focusing on the worry and the crazy thoughts, I am allowing him to do just that.  However, if my joy is dependent on the future, and the future occuring just as I hope, well its misplaced anyway.  My joy comes from the hope I have in Christ.  I am incredibly thankful for the gifts the Lord has blessed me with...incredibly thankful.  But, God isn't good because of those gifts...and God would still be good if He took those gifts away.  So, today I took off my anxiety girl cape.  I am done being a super worrier.  Today I chose to trust that I have a hope and a future, because I have a real relationship with a real Savior who loved me enough to give His very life for me to ensure that hope and future.  Oh, I still ask the Lord for those earthly gifts He has given me to not go anywhere, after all the Lord already knows the desires of my heart...but, I will not mourn over the "what-ifs" (those gifts should go somewhere).  I will stop thinking.  I will stop "imaginating."  I will trust.  Because He is good.

Missing the Silver Lining

My.Sentiments.Exactly.

And just for good measure...

Don't worry.  There are no plans to move to Australia.  But, I may or may not have considered it a few times this past week. 

On the upside...next week can only get better.  I think.