To-Do List for Finding Hope

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Anxious. I don't typically live in fear. For whatever reason my siblings all seemed to get the "scaredy-cat" gene. However, I am more or less fearless. But, a few months ago my parents and littlest sister moved to Florida. Not far from Orlando. And with all that has happened there in the last few days, it is unnerving. In addition, my Florida family has been making frequent overseas trips. My dad just left for another one today. And I will admit it, I am a bit uneasy. So, I woke up praying this morning-praying for my family, my dad, our country. As I prayed, I was reminded of what God told Solomon immediately following the dedication of the temple. It had been a joyous time for the people of God. I Chronicles 7:10 says, "....he (Solomon) sent the people away to their homes, joyful and glad of heart for the prosperity that the Lord had granted to David and to Solomon and to Israel his people." However, that very night God appeared to Solomon and told him that WHEN (not IF) he shut up the heavens and there was no rain, or commanded the locust to devour the land, then, "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land." (II Chronicles 7:14) And realization washed over me and I felt that peace that passes all understanding. Because, ya'll, healing for our country doesn't depend on our government. It doesn't depend on their decisions regarding marriage or bathrooms. Healing for our country doesn't depend on our President. It doesn't depend on the phraseology he uses or doesn't use when he refers to the most recent horrific attacks; it doesn't even depend on our right to bear arms. Healing for our land depends on God and HIS PEOPLE. That's me. And, if you are a Christian, that's YOU! It depends on God's people. My dad always says faithful Christians have a hard enough time acting Christ-like. How can we then expect the unregenerate to act as redeemed? We can't. God doesn't. He expects HIS PEOPLE, to do several things: 

1-Humble ourselves. Realize we are but dust and in desperate need of His all-sufficient grace. 

2-Pray. When we pray we are acknowledging that we are not in control. We are surrendering to His Sovereignty. We are continuing to humble ourselves. And according to James 5:16, "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."  

3-Seek His face. Seek: to go in search of or quest of. In I John the Bible tells us that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. To seek God, to seek His face, is to search the Word, Scripture. 

4-Turn from your wicked ways. In Psalm 139:23-24 the Psalmist asks God to, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts; And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" God is faithful. He will reveal our wickedness, our grievous ways. But then, by His death-defeating power, we must TURN from our wicked ways. We must turn to the faithful, righteous, narrow way. 

THEN He will hear from heaven, forgive our sins, and heal our land! My type A (triple A?), list-making, list-checking personality loves this. Follow these steps and there is a predictable, sure outcome! What hope!  

Hope is my favorite word. I have it tattooed on my wrist with an anchor. Because hope is an anchor for our souls. 

According to I Peter, hope is living! It is alive. Because our ultimate hope, healed land or not, is found in our imperishable, undefiled, and unfading inheritance, kept in heaven for us. Our inheritance is guarded by God the Father, through faith, for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (I Peter 1) Our ultimate hope that will anchor our souls, that will ease our anxiety, that will calm our uneasiness is that our fire-tested faith will produce for us an eternal (FOREVER) glory.  "Our light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (II Corinthians 4:17-18). 

I. AM. SELFISH.

I'm just putting it out there.  Admission is the first step, right? And I admit, I am selfish.  This has become quite evident to me in the last few months.  Although, looking back on my life, I am sure it was evident to everyone else long before now.  

My church ladies are currently studying the book of Ruth together.  Ruth is my middle name.  I used to loathe it as an old lady name.  But, as I read and reread the story of Ruth, I am thankful to be named after such a faithful, Godly, courageous woman.  In an attempt to know all I can about my namesake I picked up Sinclair Ferguson's book A Faithful God.  In the beginning chapters of his commentary on Ruth, Mr. Ferguson proposes that Naomi's bitter circumstances were allowed by a loving God for the conversion of Ruth.  I don't like my life circumstances sometimes.  I have sailed some troubled waters the last few years.  But, if it were all for the conversion of one, would I count those situations as "worth it?"  Would I be willing to endure them again for the redemption of one soul?  Heaven help me, I don't know that I can honestly say that I would.  So, when it comes right down to it, this confession means that comfort, temporary satisfaction, and self are my gods.  I have idols.  I am an idolater.  

In Romans 9:3 Paul says, "For I wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers..."  Naomi endured hard times, extremely hard times, willingly or not, that led to the conversion of Ruth.  Paul is willing, WISHING, that he could give up his salvation, his relationship with His Lord and Savior, for the sake of his kinsman.  While there is a chance I would relive the hard times of the last few years for the salvation of someone I love, I am hard pressed to think of one person that I love so dearly that I would wish to surrender my own salvation for theirs. This is nothing to be proud of, but it would be a lie for me to claim otherwise.   Go ahead and judge me; I have already judged myself.  I am selfish.  I warned you of that at the beginning of all of this.  

My parents relocated recently to the sunshine state.  As such, we had a white Christmas.  And by white Christmas I mean white sandy beaches and white hot heat.  Their new church is involved in a ministry of feeding the homeless on a monthly basis.  It just so happened that the Monday before Christmas was their day to go downtown, and I was in town.  In theory I like the idea of serving others.  But, again, my selfishness reminds me that in truth, I like serving for the warm and fuzzy feeling I get more than anything.  Sigh.  After the meal there was a service.  I have never seen people with so little praise God with so much.  They were thanking Him for Christmas: not the gifts they would be getting for Christmas.  Because there weren't any.  Not the big meal they would be enjoying on Christmas day.  Because there wasn't one.  Not the family or friends they would be spending time with.  Because they had none.  They were praising Him for Christmas, simply that-the sending of His Son for their salvation.  

I had dinner with a dear friend a couple of weeks ago.  We were discussing a very serious, very hard, life-altering, situation currently concerning her family.  A situation that puts my last two years into perspective pretty.darn.quick.  With every good intention many Christians have reassured my friend, K, that "God works all things together for our good."  So many people forget the second half of that verse..."for the good of them that love Him AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE."  And ladies and gentlemen, as Christians our primary purpose is to glorify Him.  While in our human understanding we may think we know what is most glorifying to God.  We don't.  We aren't God and His ways are not our ways-they are infinitely higher than our ways.  Thank heavens.  Because my ways are selfish and sinful.  It occurred to me in the midst of said conversation, God is receiving more glory through my singleness at the moment (and perhaps forever), than through answering "yes" to my relentless prayers for a mate.  Me being able to live single with joy and contentment is only by His strength in my weakness.  My selfishness, most times, desires a yes answer to my prayer more than His glory.  Emphatic sigh.

In 2016 I want to be less concerned with my own comfort, and more concerned about the lost.  Less concerned about my sleep and more concerned about waking up to spend time with the Lord.  Less concerned about new clothes/shoes/purses/make-up (fill in the blank) and more concerned with giving.  Less concerned with my desires and more concerned with His glory.  Less selfish and more selfless.  And if admission to a problem is truly the first step, then by God's grace, I am headed in the right direction.

(Don't) Follow your Heart

I recently moved.  Got a new roommate, which came with a dog.  My life is exponentially more exciting than when I lived alone and petless.  None of that really matters, however.  The point here is my roomie loves all things girly:  glitter, sparkles, dressing up, fashion.  As a result, her ministry heart is really teenage girls. She works in the advertising/marketing world, even interning with a big magazine in NYC, and has noticed a lack of "girly" resources for teenage girls.  We remember growing up with a magazine for Christian girls put out by a famous ministry which was supposed to be the Christian-friendly version of Seventeen or Teen Vogue.  That magazine no longer exists.  So, my roommate has started her own.  It's in the very beginning stages, but I have such high hopes for its success!  Being my roommate she is obligated to let me write for it (I put it on the lease conditions!), and being her roommate, I am trying to garner support for it.  So, today I am giving you a sneak peek into the first article I have written for Etching Hearts.  And, when I say sneak peek I mean it; this article hasn't even been published yet and the site probably won't even go completely live until January! 

(Don’t)

Admittedly I am a little old for the neon, graphic, loose fitting tank top craze that seemingly swept the nation this summer.  I may or may not have had a neon tank top with matching scrunchie and slap bracelet circa 1989.  My friend Cathy has a rule, if you wore it the first time it was popular, you can’t wear it when everything old is new again.  So, I abstain.  However, unless you live under a rock, I am sure you have taken notice of these tanks.  One of the cliché catch phrases I see faux spray painted on glowing yellow is “Follow your Heart.”  You know the one I am talking about, right?  It seems to be a pretty popular sentiment that our culture begins teaching girls at a young age.  Disney’s Pocahantas tells us to “Listen with your heart, and you will understand.”  Cinderella II’s theme song is entitled, “Follow your Heart.”  The Land Before Time, not even a princess movie, tells kids, “Let your heart guide you.  It whispers, so listen closely.”  I found this on pinterest:

Funny, right?  But perhaps more than funny, the joke is actually on to something.  Is following your heart the answer to all of your dreams coming true?  (Okay, if there were dark chocolate brownies and vanilla gelato in that fridge, well, it may have led me to the fulfillment of all of my wishes!)  Have you seen those “Caution: Danger Ahead” road signs?   I really want to carry a few of those around to covertly slap on the back of the “Follow your Heart” tanks…you know, like the mean kids always did with “kick me” signs in elementary school.  Because really, here’s the truth girls:  You CANNOT trust your hearts!

As believers we should always test the advice we are given against the Word of God.  Don’t let anyone tell you there are no absolute truths in this world, because God’s Word is just that…absolute truth.  It can absolutely be trusted, in every situation, for all time!  The Bible has a lot to say about our hearts.  Perhaps the most relevant to our current fashion discussion is one found in the book of Jeremiah.  Jeremiah was a prophet writing to the nation of Judah, God’s chosen people, warning them of the dangers of turning from God, but also reminding them of the promised blessings if they would follow Him.  Not to mention, following God, obedience, faithfulness, that was always for Judah’s own good anyway.  As a Christ follower, YOU are God’s chosen daughter.  Following God with your whole heart, obedience, faithfulness, will always be for your own good.  So, listen carefully to the words in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?”  Hmmm, how much trust do you place in someone described as deceitful above all things and desperately wicked??  How far would you be willing to follow that person?  I wouldn’t follow a person like that as far as I could throw him. 

There are many Christian traditions that begin their prayer services with a general prayer of confession found in the Book of Common Prayer.  Part of the confession is as follows, “We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts.  We have offended against Thy holy laws.”  See the progression?  Following the devices and desires of our own deceitful hearts often leads us to offending God’s holy laws.  

Thankfully, God did not leave us without anything to follow.   Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to, “…lean not on your OWN understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE shall direct your steps.”  (emphasis mine)  Our road map is the Word of God.  It is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness according to II Timothy 3:16.  When we fill our hearts and our minds with the Word of God, with His absolute truth, then we can trust HIM.  I know back to school time is super busy…no really, I know, because I am a teacher!  All of that work you are doing, well I am grading it, times twenty students.  However, you cannot afford to get so busy that you neglect the Word of God.  If you already have a set aside time each day to spend alone with God and His Word, let this be an encouragement to you to continue.  If you don’t, I hope this encourages you to start.  Find a good devotional podcast to download and listen to as you ride the bus or drive to school.  Get up ten minutes earlier and spend some time reading the Word and singing some praise songs.  Write down a Scripture verse on a notecard, tape it to your bathroom mirror, and commit to memorize it during the week.  Do SOMETHING to infiltrate your heart and mind DAILY with God’s Word.  Your heart may lead you on a path to the fridge, or worse, but “all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and His testimonies.” (Psalm 25:10)

Resources:

Jeremiah 17:9 and Proverbs 3:5-6 taken from NKJV

II Timothy 3:16 taken from the NIV

Psalm 25:10 taken from the ESV

Book of Common Prayer (not copyrighted and can be freely reproduced)

   

My New Essentials

I absolutely love fall in Virginia.  I am close enough to the Blue Ridge Parkway to witness the beauty of the blue ridges turning golden hued.  The air is crisp and the humidity, ever so active in the summer, takes its own vacation each fall.  The earth, turning on its axis, places our little Virginia town at a perfect angle for blazing citrus sunsets and cotton-candy-pink sunrises.  It is as near to perfect as this broken earth can be.  And yet, fall for this girl means awful, horrendous, horrific, terrible, allergies.  I have suffered from allergies as long as I can remember: runny nose, itchy eyes, and worst of all, sinus headaches that often progress into migraines.

About two weeks ago I found myself on day 3 of a horrible sinus migraine.  I had tried all of my normal remedies: over the counter medication, saline sinus rinse, menthol rub, nose sprays-nothing, and I mean NOTHING, was touching this one.  It was to the point of nausea and an aura from the headache and I was barely functioning.  The sinus headache was the culmination of about two weeks of suffering from a full fledged allergy attack.  I was miserable.  

I am an avid Pinterest user.  I kept coming across all of these things on Pinterest about essential oils.  I knew my friend Jessi, who suffered from horrible migraines for years, had found great success using essential oils.  (This was after trying LOTS of prescription meds, chiropractors, acupuncturist, etc.)  So, I contacted her.  Turns out, she had so much success that she now places monthly orders and allows her friends and family, and even friend-in-laws ( you know friends of friends who are essentially strangers to you) order on her order.  So, I ordered a Young Living blend called "Raven" which is supposed to support your sinuses and respiratory system.

 For good measure, I also ordered Young Living "Lavender" which supports any number of things!

 Thankfully she had some samples so I was able to get my hands on the oil before the order came in and ya'll, I am not lying when I tell you I had almost IMMEDIATE relief for my head.  She showed me the vita flex points for sinuses (on your hands and feet) and I rubbed the blend of raven and lavender on my sinuses and those vita flex points, and within 30 minutes my sinus headache/migraine was GONE.  It gets better....I have continued to use the Lavender daily, usually morning and night, and it has supported my sinuses and respiratory system so well, I have needed no other support.  Nor have I had bad allergies, at all, since I started using the oil.  And, we have kept the windows open all day and night at my humble abode.  (Bonus: lavender is also supposed to be supportive of the endocrine system, helping hair grow longer and healthier...here's hoping!)

Nothing is perfect, and I will admit to one slight problem I have with the oils.  There are SO many and Jessi is so good about researching the different uses for me, that I now want to order no less than 20.  My plan is to add an oil a month to my collection. 

In my (very) limited and novice experience I would recommend starting with lavender if you are new to oils.  It has so many beneficial uses.  What about you?  Have any of you had great success with essential oils?  How do you take them?  Topically or in capsules?  Do you use the vita flex points or just slap 'em on wherever you're ailing?  Any secret tricks or combinations you have discovered?  Please share in the comments section.  I am always looking for more natural ways to help my body.  

Also, if you want to jump on this miracle oil band wagon, contact Jessi Walker at bwalk7@hotmail.com or find her on facebook at BuckandJessi Walker.  

I am not Happy

Ya'll, I am not happy.  I haven’t been happy in a really long time.  There have been moments of happiness-highlights, memories, delight, but as a collective whole-I’m wholly unhappy.   I read Ann Voskamp.  I learned how to make eloquent lists of things to be thankful for, although, in full disclosure, chasing the moon never made my list.  I still wasn’t happy.  I shopped.  A lot.  I have a pretty cute wardrobe these days, I mean if I do say so myself.  Still unhappy.  I ate.  Then I exercised.  Endorphins, chocolate or exercise induced, didn’t matter.  Nothing changed.  Still not happy.  I won’t go into a whole lot of detail, but as far as I’m concerned, my circumstances kind of stink.  I don’t care for them.  In the least.  And no amount of counting my blessings, shopping, eating, or exercising is going to change my circumstances.  So, I remain unhappy. 

I know, what a Debbie Downer I am today.  I mean, we are mere months away from the “most wonderful time of the year.”  And for heaven’s sake, football season is in full swing and there is a college play -off this year…I mean, how can I not be happy?  Because, happiness is completely dependent upon my circumstances, dependent upon (most) things that I have absolutely no control over-and remember, those circumstances?  Yea, they stink.  But, thank heavens, (no really, thank heavens!)  my joy has absolutely nothing  to do with my circumstances.     In an ironic twist of Sovereignty, our women’s Bible study at my church this fall has a one word, monosyllabic title: Joy.  I have been reminded that joy, most often in the Bible is an action; it’s a verb.  It is less often an emotion or feeling, because JOY, has NOTHING to do with my situation and EVERYTHING to do with my eternity.  Joy is a choice, an action, based solely on my eternal hope and my inward salvation.  Joy comes from a right relationship with my Lord and Savior.  And here’s the truth that I really didn’t want to be reminded of: my circumstances are God-ordained.  Those outward situations that are making me less than happy, those are all part of God’s great-big, gospel purpose in my life and quite possibly, hopefully, in others’ lives. 

The apostle Paul writes all about joy and rejoicing in Philippians, and as a quick reminder, he was writing that book from prison.  Talk about less than ideal circumstances.  It was Philippians 1: 29 that got me, “ For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for Him…”  My belief in my Savior is a grace gift, but ummm, my suffering is also a grace gift?  A gift ON BEHALF OF CHRIST.  Given for His glory, His honor, His fame.  Because while I can’t choose my circumstances, I sure can choose my response to those circumstances.  And since God’s grace is sufficient and since He promises to bear my burdens and since He has already given me His great comforter (the Holy Spirit), and a body of believers that loves and encourages me, I can choose to respond with joy and thanksgiving that God’s gospel is being advanced and He has chosen me to be a part of that. 

So, no, I am not happy.   But, I am choosing to be joyful.  My circumstances could change tomorrow (a girl can dream), but my God is never changing and He has gifted me belief AND suffering.  They’re a package deal.  My belief makes the suffering possible, worthwhile, endurable.  My suffering, and the Lord’s goodness, faithfulness, and comfort through my suffering, increases my belief.  See? Package deal.  {#choosejoy}  In spite of today’s stinky circumstances, choose joy in light of eternity.

She's Baaack

A lot has happened since my last entry.  A lot.

1. I have loved.  And lost.  Still on the fence about whether that's better than never having loved at all. (Joking.  Kind of.)
2. I don't run anymore.  Call it a marathon hangover.  I have, however, developed a love/hate relationship with Shaun T and his "Insanity."
3. I was diagnosed with several health conditions.  Top offender: Candida.  Which led to a complete diet overhaul.  One that is neither fun nor easy to stick to.  But, has made me quite the kitchen experimenter.
4. Kind of like they say taste buds develop/change as you grow older-my interests/hobbies have developed and changed over the last 14 months.  I am now a lover of all things (tastefully) crafty and DIY.  This girl is even on the market for a sewing machine!
5. I took myself "off the grid."  Okay, clearly not completely.  But no more Facebook or Instagram (I never tweeted anyway).  I did succumb to the common addiction known as Pinterest.  I think that has a direct correlation to #4.

It's funny, curiously funny, to reminisce on 14 months ago and view the major changes in my life from that time compiled into a neat and tidy list,  (It's how I prefer my life, neat and tidy.) and to realize that 14 months fits into 5 bullet points.  The most life-changing, heart-wrenching, strength-growing 14 months of my life succinctly stated in 5 little talking points that take less than a minute to read.  And then to realize everything has changed and yet nothing has changed.

I am still a passionate God-girl.  Hopefully, likely, even more so now than then.  By necessity, really.  It's funny how He does that-turns our neat and tidy bullet-pointed lives upside down so our only sure stability is Him.  We realize He truly is ALL we can place our hope and assurance in-because He knows and we learn even the surest of the sure will still fail us, but His love never will.

I am still a teacher.  I still love these kids and their pure, innocent, trust.  This year I told my fifteen dear 4th graders that on my birthday I was turning 105.  Nary a one batted an eye.  I am sure that dinner table conversation was amusing.  But, I think, in their eyes, I am their teacher; therefore, I do not lie.  Even about my age.  They believe me-for better or worse.  What a reminder then, to point them always back to the source of all truth-truth that will set them free-Jesus Christ!

I still love sports.  However, now rather than grading papers during games-I craft!  I make jewelry, or wreaths, or work in my Smashbook, or peruse Pinterest for more ideas.  All while commentating on the games and perhaps yelling a few times at the TV.  Some would call me the epitome of an oxymoron.  I like to think of it as versatile, well-rounded, and even talented.

And, clearly, I am still long winded.  While I can make succinct lists-I always have to go and elaborate!  If you're still with me-Thanks-will you do me a favor and follow me?! (--> right side of the screen)  I do love writing and have used this blog in the past for many "soap box" episodes, my hope is to be a bit more practical in the future.  I want to share craft ideas and how-to's, Candida/sugar free recipes and resources, teacher stuff, Insanity (and other fitness) motivation and amusing stories (although the amusing Insanity stories are truthfully purely for the enjoyment of my BFF, Jessi), etc.  However, if you know me you will know I am nothing if not honest-so in the spirit of truthfulness I should remind you I am the daughter of a pastor and if something will preach-better believe I am climbing right back on my soapbox!  It's just, this time, my soapbox will be so much cuter since I made it myself out of an upcycled pallet and decorated it with scrapbook paper-all ideas I found on Pinterest.

Vulnerable. So be it.

Beauty in the Brokenness

Earth shattering days.

And I'm not talking about the good kind.

 I am not overly dramatic, so I should preface the following by saying earth shattering is relative.  But the events that have taken place in my life in the past few months have shaken me to my core.  They say bad things come in threes.  I think my threes must have been building up for a few years, because mine came in many multiples of three.  And all of a sudden I was left standing in the midst of rubble, destruction, pain: looking at my life, feeling as if the mountain top I had been living on had crumbled around me.  The thrill of being at the top exchanged for the despair of being enveloped by the casualties of the fall.  I have lived parts of my life angry at God, hard-hearted and bitter.  The one thing I knew I could not do, can never do again, is go back to that dark place.  And so, what do I do?  I put one foot dutifully in front of the other, checking off the to-do list of a "good Christian girl", and plodded on, all the while trying desperately to find another mountain top, another hill. And yet, here I sit, still in the valley, with mountains still shaken and hills still fallen.  I once told you I never cried, these past few months have made a liar out of me.  I have cried, I have screamed, I have begged, I have cursed (sorry, Mom!), I have run, and oh, how I have prayed.  I have asked God to lead me back up to a mountain top in my life, back to where the view is beautiful and I am no longer surrounded by brokenness.  And how sweetly the Lord asked me to see the beauty in the brokenness. 

I want to know God, every aspect of Him, intimately. Psalms 34:18 says that He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.  I had never known that God who was near to the brokenhearted, until I became the brokenhearted.  Truly, I have lived a blessed and pain-free life.  Until those (relatively speaking) earth-shattering days.  I can now tell you without a doubt, I know the God that is near to the brokenhearted.  Because that God has wrapped me in His arms and assured me and re-assured me.  The same God who spoke the world into existence knows the number of hairs on my head.  He loves me. Even when my mountains crumble, perhaps ESPECIALLY when my mountains crumble, His love, His promise of peace...it will never end.  I fear that so much of my life I have lived knowing ABOUT God, following His do's and dont's, (self) righteously checking the boxes, rather than truly KNOWING God.  Ann Voskamp says, "The modern-day Pharisees focus on sin avoidance and not firstly on Savior ardency." Trying to do the right thing, or avoid the wrong thing, rather than passionately pursuing an intimate knowledge of the One I love.  A head knowledge of my Savior, book knowledge of my Lord, it wasn't enough when my heart was in shambles.  This brokenness, the crumbling, it forced me to cling ever tighter to my God-and how can you cling to what you don't trust-and how can you trust what you don't know?  It necessitated a search for Him where I had previously only been cognizant of His existence, but never experienced it: in my pain amidst the rubble of a crumbling peak.  And I found Him there, arms opened wide, sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, completely trustworthy, near to my broken heart, and absolutely, stunningly, beautiful. 

Endures all things...

Hope...

Anxiety Girl

Yes, unfortunately, very often this is the cape I wear.  When I was little my favorite thing to do was to go to my room and "imaginate."  That vivid imagination has not always served me well.  It allows me to drum up the most awful situations possible and then spend minutes, hours, sometimes days, playing said situations out in my mind..to the point of tears..mourning over things that haven't even happened.  True story.  And, this past week I paired that imagination with prescription pain medication that apparently made me crazy. (As in one morning I was blow drying my hair, innocently sitting there with brush and dryer in hand, and spontaneously combusted into hiccuping sobs.  I am still not sure what I was crying over.)  Also thrown in the equation was the reason for the pain medication, an absessed incredibly painful tooth, and life with twists and turns that I never saw coming.  This was not my best week.  And that was perhaps the biggest understatement I have ever made. I feel like I owe some of those closest to me an apology for my craziness this week...I probably owe them more than that.  Poor things had to hear me cry over these imaginary "what ifs" and pleasantly reassured me, multiple times.  (Well, they appeared pleasant on the outside...heaven only knows what they were thinking on the inside;)  One of my dearest friends did finally tell me to "stop thinking."  Ha.) 

While I am hopeful, I still don't know how this particular life situation with its twists and turns will turn out.  But, I think that's the point.  I can never know the future.  God doesn't give me grace for tomorrow.  He gives me grace for today.  I am not even guaranteed tomorrow, so why allow the enemy to steal my joy from today?  He did come to steal, kill, and destroy-and by focusing on the worry and the crazy thoughts, I am allowing him to do just that.  However, if my joy is dependent on the future, and the future occuring just as I hope, well its misplaced anyway.  My joy comes from the hope I have in Christ.  I am incredibly thankful for the gifts the Lord has blessed me with...incredibly thankful.  But, God isn't good because of those gifts...and God would still be good if He took those gifts away.  So, today I took off my anxiety girl cape.  I am done being a super worrier.  Today I chose to trust that I have a hope and a future, because I have a real relationship with a real Savior who loved me enough to give His very life for me to ensure that hope and future.  Oh, I still ask the Lord for those earthly gifts He has given me to not go anywhere, after all the Lord already knows the desires of my heart...but, I will not mourn over the "what-ifs" (those gifts should go somewhere).  I will stop thinking.  I will stop "imaginating."  I will trust.  Because He is good.

Missing the Silver Lining

My.Sentiments.Exactly.

And just for good measure...

Don't worry.  There are no plans to move to Australia.  But, I may or may not have considered it a few times this past week. 

On the upside...next week can only get better.  I think.

Answered Prayers.Ugh.

I am always surprised when I receive direct answers to prayer. I know-I shouldn't be, but time after time the Lord answers my prayers and I sit back and think "Wow, that really just happened." I would like to believe it is more of an awe or amazement at His goodness and faithfulness and His love for me rather than a shock that He really is all-powerful and really does care about my life. Either way, I am continually amazed by His answers. These past few months have brought specific answers to prayers which I have been praying for years...prayers I had all but given up on believing God's answer may just be a resounding "no." And as hard as that would have been, it would have been okay. Because I know His ways are higher than mine. And after all, just a few months ago I blogged on my gratitude for unanswered prayers. However, this week I am not struggling with the "no" answers or even the seemingly "unanswered prayers." Quite the opposite actually, this week I am struggling because of answered prayers.


You see, my greatest desire is to be made more like Christ, to be a reflection of His love, grace, and goodness to the world. I have been told I am quite self-aware...which most likely is a nice way of saying I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl. I don't put up pre-tenses and I am honest, maybe to a fault. That honesty can carry over into the way I view myself. I am keenly aware of some (no, not all!) of the areas in which I struggle. And I spend time asking the Lord to change those areas, to make me more like Him and less like impatient, stubborn, selfish, anxious, me. I guess I just never realized quite how painful that refining process would be. Nor did I realize that one event would reveal my weaknesses in EVERY one of those areas. Yes, I am once again amazed at the Lord's direct answer to my prayers. But the jury is still out on whether this is a "good" amazed.


For years I have prayed that the Lord would teach me to become more patient. After all, this is a fruit of the Spirit, and one I would never possess in my own strength. I am incredibly impatient. I hate to wait. I am an instant gratification kind of girl. I see the newest thing and I have to have it..yesterday. When I was little, money burnt a hole in my pocket. I had to spend it...immediately. I thought becoming a teacher was God's way of teaching me patience. After all, you try dealing with fifty-one 9 yearn olds on a daily basis and see if it doesn't stretch...errr increase....your patience. I thought being single at the age of 30 was God's way of teaching me patience. Especially after I have watched several of my old campers (yes, I spent a few summers as a teen camp counselor) grow up, get married, and have their own children. Oh, I am certain the Lord is using those things to increase my patience, but apparently I am a really slow learner or (thank the Lord) He isn't finished working on me yet, because this week He placed a HUGE "hurry up and wait" situation in my life. Though not necessarily Scriptural, I am sure it was still a wise person who said, "Good things come to those who wait." Dear me, I hope so. Check back in a few months and I'll let you know for sure. I do know that the Lord will not waste this opportunity. If I allow Him to, He will increase my patience in this storm whether or not I get what I am hoping for at the end of it. By the way, I texted a friend this weekend and asked her to pray that I would EXERCISE patience...not LEARN patience. I would be ever so grateful if the rest of you praying friends would do the same. I don't think I can handle many more "opportunities" to learn it right about now.


One of my greatest prayers for 2012 was that I would truly allow the Lord to be Lord of ALL in my life: that I would wholly surrender to His Lordship. If you know me you know I prefer...control. Allowing the LORD to control every area, to be completely obedient to whatever He asks of me, that is my prayer. I didn't realize just how quickly that would be tested. Here I sit being given the opportunity to truly surrender, to be completely obedient to a situation that I would have never chosen for myself, and honestly a situation I do not
understand, and may not even be in agreement with. Yet, nowhere in Scripture do I see where
understanding or agreement are pre-requisites for obedience. I am certain Abraham did not understand or agree with the sacrifice of his son, and yet he was willing to obey. And so I decided to obey. And I wish that was the end of it...that I had simply said "Your way, Lord, I surrender. I will be obedient." But there was a song we used to sing about obedience being, "doing exactly what the Lord commands and doing it happily." Oh, I am doing the exactly, but honestly, I am struggling with the happily. I will wrestle with God for a bit (if Jacob did, can't I?), pray for perspective, contentment, and true joy, and hopefully, prayerfully, completely surrender. Of course, that prayer for complete surrender got me here in the first place...


Deuteronomy 6:5 instructs us to love the Lord our God With ALL of our heart, soul, and
strength. My church urged us to pray this verse in February...you know Valentine's Day and all of that lovey dovey garbage. Anyway, I did. I prayed that the Lord would help me to love Him,
which I do, with my ALL, which I don't-at least not always. Oh, how I want to, but it is obvious to me today, yesterday, the day before, more than ever that there are people and things which have taken His rightful place of being my First Love. A.W. Tozer puts it this way, "Sin has introduced complications and has made those very gifts of God a potential source of ruin to the soul." When I prayed that the Lord would teach me to love Him with my all He had to root out whatever gifts He had given me that I loved and cherished more than Him. Of course He did! And logically if I loved it and cherished it that much, it hurt when it was taken away. Why didn't I think of that at the beginning of February? Or avoid it all together by never letting anyone or anything else take the rightful place of the Lord? Enter frustration.


Perhaps my fear and anxiety of the "what if" goes hand in hand with my control issues. But I always try to determine the possible outcome of every situation so that I will have a plan of attack should that possibility become a reality. Come on, that doesn't sound all THAT controlling does it? I pray that the Lord will teach me to trust Him completely. One of my very favorite verses, which ironically I often ignore, is JeremIah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans for a hope and a future." If I truly believe this is a promise of my God and not just beautifully written words I should stop living in the fear and anxiety of what if the end of this trial turns out nothing like I had pictured? What if everything changes? What if, what if, what if...worry, worry, worry...Eugenia Ginsburg, a Russian woman imprisoned for 13 years for being a teacher wrote in her book Journey into the Whirlwind that the most anxious she felt was before she was ever arrested. The weeks leading up to her imprisonment were worse, "Perhaps because waiting for an inevitable disaster is worse than the disaster itself." Waiting for my "what if" which isn't even inevitable in my case leads to absolute torture of my heart, soul, and mind. Corrie ten Boom puts it like this, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." And as I lay in my bed crying and fretting over a future I don't control anyway, I realize how weak I am. How's this for a what if...what if I would truly learn to trust my Savior, the One who really does have a hope and a future for me...even if it doesn't look anything like the future I am so hopeful for.


Lesson learned here friends: don't pray for what you don't want answered. And while I have your attention: those of you who know me well enough to know my weaknesses and pray that the Lord would work in those areas of my life....could you maybe take a few days, weeks, months even, off...seriously;) All joking aside, I am so thankful He promises to never give me more than I can handle, and thankful that He is not through working on me, molding me, and making me more like Him. I would have given up on me years ago!!

The Lost Art of Being Modest

I should warn you…I am climbing on a soap box…possible rant ahead.

Every Wednesday night a group of my girlfriends (all teachers) and I hit the town for a rousing ladies’ night.  Okay, truthfully most Wednesdays we end up at Cracker Barrel-yea, not all that rousing.  And, we used to meet at 6:30-7:00, but lately we have moved the time back to 5:30-6:00 in order to be done earlier so we can go to bed earlier-translated: we are getting old.  However, one time we did cause a couple at Applebees to ask for a different table because apparently we were having too much fun for them.  (Sidenote: I don’t think Applebees is the place to go if you expect a quiet, intimate, romantic dinner-but then, that’s just my opinion.)  Well, last night we got adventurous and headed downtown for a trendy restaurant.  (And I am not ashamed to admit a few of us even donned sweatpants to celebrate the event-and by a few of us, I mean the other girls.)  Okay, when I say trendy restaurant picture industrial space, brick walls, exposed ducts, big bar, limited seating, etc.  But, I live in a small, conservative, southern town, so even our trendy restaurants that attract local singles (young and old…currently I am picturing the old, loud, drunk lady at the bar next to our table), the environment remains family friendly.  At least, I always thought so.  One negative of the downtown hotspot is that there is typically a LONG wait…a seriously LONG wait.  I am not very good at waiting in any aspect of my life.  However, I have discovered when the waiting is only for minutes (or almost an hour as may be the case) rather than say, years, I can survive by people watching.  So, last night as we waited for a table, I observed the other parties who came in to dine.  Apparently we were not the only ones who had the idea for a “ladies’ night.”  About five minutes after we arrived a group of what I would assume were college girls (heaven forbid they were any younger), entered wearing minimal clothing.  Might I add, it IS January for crying out loud?  Anyway, it was a rather large group, say 6 girls, and so it was hard to take them all in at once.  Most were in short, black skirts and or dresses, and by short I mean above mid-thigh, lacey tights, thigh-high boots, tank tops, I think you get the point.  I even looked around to see if somehow we had inadvertently made our way into a downtown night club instead of an eatery.  Well, out of the midst of the pack emerged the leader.  She sauntered up to the hostess stand, slightly bent over (I would assume in order to be heard over the before mentioned old, loud, drunk lady at the bar) and again assuming here, gave the hostess her name.  Actually, I can’t be sure what she said, or even that she was having a conversation, because when she slightly leaned her SWEATER that she somehow mistook as a DRESS inched up even further (as if it really had anywhere to go) and I had to bite my tongue so as not to embarrass my friends by breaking out in, “I see London, I see France…”  Unfortunately, the underpants were so minimalistic I am not even sure I would have been justified in singing that rhyme.  I was absolutely, completely, totally, horribly mortified.  Especially when the 7 year-old sitting next to us with her obviously appalled mother and father leaned over to tell her mom that she also could see “Victoria’s Secret.”  Okay, let’s face it, everyone around this girl was staring and whispering.  And yes, it was probably judgmental, and yes, she has the right to dress how she chooses, but then she had no right to get upset when others began to stare and whisper.  I am sorry, but I am of the opinion that the ONLY reason you dress that way is to get attention.  You don’t put on a long sweater, pretend it is a dress, and go out thinking “Boy, I hope no one notices that my rear end almost hangs out in this.  I really would hate to get any extra attention.” (I am prepared to argue this point, judgmental or not.)  However, regardless of “rights” my point (and my soap box) is much larger than all of this.  I have to ask myself why.  Why, when I take my little nine-year-old sister shopping, do I feel like the clothes options are less for a nine-year-old and more for a nine-year-old version of a 21 year-old (and an inappropriate 21 year-old at that)?  Why, when I drive down the road with my brother or dad or guy friends do I feel like I should have to cover their eyes because of the billboards lining the road?  Why do we as a society have absolutely no concept of modesty anymore??

And now as I climb on my soap box, I should preface this rant with a statement: 

I love fashion.  And I would like to think that I am a reasonably well-dressed, somewhat fashionable, teacher (yes, that may be an oxy-moron).  However, one of the best compliments I have ever received is that I don’t look like a teacher;)  I do not believe you have to sacrifice fashion and looking nicely put-together for modesty.  (As a matter of fact, I think if you walk around in sweat pants, yoga pants, and especially pajama pants in public on a fairly consistent basis, we probably need to have a talk also.  But, at least those pants cover what needs to be covered.)  Anyway, there are creative, fashionable, and even cute ways to dress in the latest trends without looking…let’s say inappropriate (for lack of a better term…well, I have better terms-I’m just not sure I should use those terms in print.;) 

So, where has modesty gone? 

Society tells us that in order to attract a man women not only have to look a certain way, they must also dress a certain way-and typically that way is to “show-off” the certain way that you look.  Let me ask you a question, ladies.  What kind of man are you hoping to attract (or if you already have your man, what kind of man are you hoping your daughters/sisters/friends will attract)?  I would guess the majority of you who read my blog are hoping to attract a Godly man whose main desire in life is to love and serve God with his whole heart.  If this is the case, chances are he is looking for the same kind of woman.  And, that sweater “dress” (or whatever immodest piece of clothing you may wear) does not scream “Proverbs 31” woman over here.  I want to be pursued.  I am worth being pursued.  For heaven’s sakes, Christ left heaven, came to earth, suffered and died, and pursued me because He loved me.  I am worth a man having to do a little work to win me.  But, if we walk around exposing too much why would a man pursue us?  We have destroyed part of the mystery of the pursuit. 

I have often heard it said that whatever you had to do to attract your man, you will have to do to keep him.  Don’t get me wrong, I want to be physically attractive to the man I marry.  However, if all I have going for me in his eyes is the way I look, I am in trouble!  The Bible tells us that beauty is fleeting.  I WILL get old, I MAY get wrinkles;)  Chances are I won’t be running marathons 20 years from now, which may mean my body will…ummm…change.  But, if my man falls in love with my heart, with my desire to know the Lord, to love the Lord, to serve the Lord, hopefully those things will only increase in my life over the years.  I pray I will only grow to become MORE like Christ as the years go by.  His love, His beauty, His grace shining through me…causing my countenance to glow-I want THAT to be the attracting factor for my man-NOT my body and the clothes I wear to flaunt it.

I am a teacher.  I teach 4^th grade, nine-year-old girls.  Every year I am more and more astounded by the amount of time these girls spend talking about their weight and the way they appear.  It saddens me as I know most of these girls haven’t even reached puberty yet, they still have their little girl faces and some little girl chubbiness, and yet they are worried about the nutritional value of their granola bar for snack because they think they are, “SOO fat.”  Who has made these girls think that way?  Surely most nine-year-olds aren’t born to eventually believe they are fat.  To what are they comparing themselves?  Or perhaps we should be asking the better question-what kind of role models are we giving them for a comparison?  I think (and I could be a bit prideful in this thinking), but I think my little sister looks up to me.  I think that (most days) she thinks I hung the moon.  Knowing that she is watching me and wants to be like me should make me question how I dress, how I talk, how I act in front of her.  Most of us would never use inappropriate language in front of younger kids.  And yet, many of us have no problem (or just don't think about) talking about  how “fat we are” or how much “weight we have gained, ugh,” in front of our sisters, daughters, etc.  Please know, I am preaching to the choir here.  And it really hit home when over Christmas vacation my little sister said to me (after stepping on the scale), “Oh that is ridiculous.  No nine- year-old should ever weigh THAT much.”  And here-in lies the problem: when we put all of the emphasis on our bodies and the way our bodies look, we only confirm the message that society sends…your worth lies in how you look.  You are only valuable to (fill-in-the-blank) if you wear a certain size, have certain measurements, etc.  And indeed, the only way to attract someone is if you flaunt said measurements.  Inadvertently, and I am certain quite unintentionally, our focus on our weight, our bodies, may be leading our younger generation right into that store in the mall that I mentioned earlier where 9 year-olds can purchase mini-versions of a 21 year-old's clubbing clothes.

I am a fixer.  When I see a problem, I want to solve it.  I am also a rule follower.  I would love nothing better than to give you a list of “modesty rules.”  Ay, but there’s the rub.  There are good intentioned people with the personal conviction that no man or woman should ever show his/her thigh.  While this is not my personal conviction, I would rather err on the side of caution and being overly modest than the other side.  The Bible doesn’t specifically tell me that a higher than mid-thigh black mini is inappropriate (at least not in those exact words).  However, the Bible does tell me that every aspect of my life should be lived to bring honor and glory to my Lord and Savior.  I am His poem to the world.  And what I wear reflects significantly about who I am and whose I am.  Think about it, you identify referees in ball games due to their stripes.  When I cannot find my favorite coffee at Wal-Mart I immediately search for a blue-vested, smiling employee.  Their clothing gives them an identity and identifies what they do.  I want my clothing to identify me as a princess of the King, as one that wholeheartedly follows Him.  I don’t necessarily want my clothing to draw attention to ME and MY body, but to draw attention to the One IN me.  For those of you who are still looking for a bit more guidance, or more practical “rules” check out Dannah Gresh’s Six Ways to Keep the “Little” in your Girl.  She gives modesty “tests” for clothing and even accompanies each test with a picture (for all of you visual learners).  (By the way, great book and great resource anyway-even if you feel like you already have a handle on the modesty issue!  And she has a website http://www.secretkeepergirl.com/ which contains a modesty project.)  For those of you who aren’t currently raising/influencing the lives of young ladies, check out Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s The Look: Does God Really Care What I Wear for yourself.  Another great resource that will likely challenge the way you think about and answer the age old, “What will I wear tomorrow?” dilemma.

Okay, climbing off of my soap box.  I am going to go put on some sweat pants and curl up with a book-on my couch.  By the way, as far as I am concerned, sweat pants are perfectly acceptable “curl-up-on-the-couch” attire…(but don’t let me catch you at the grocery store with them on!) 

Unanswered Prayers

Its Thanksgiving.  For the last few years I have run the Turkey Day 8k race in my parent's hometown.  However, I played it safe this year, and after a day at the Biltmore House yesterday (including approximately 1000 stairs) my knee is a bit...sore.  Plus, lest you forgot, I ran a Marathon a little over a week ago.  (I am not certain how long I can continue to use that excuse, but for now, I am milking it.)  Its rather unfortunate actually because, I really like this race.  Its a flat course, and I routinely PR, in part because I know that Grandma's sweet potato souffle is waiting not too far from the finish line.  In the weeks before the marathon as I was praying for things like good weather and good GU's at the water stops (I can't stand that orange GU-I was holding my breath for chocolate or vanilla) I asked the Lord to protect my body from injury.  I no longer believe my knee is seriously injured, but in hopes of running again one day, I do not want to risk it, alas no Turkey Day 8k for me.  It was a bit hard to be too sad however, since this morning I slept in until 8:30, watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade cuddled up in my parent's king size bed with my sisters and my coffee, and leisurely prepared green bean casserole for lunch later this afternoon.  When I was a little kid we used to sing a song about God always answering prayers.  The catchy chorus says, "sometimes He may say yes, sometimes He may say no, sometimes He may say wait, wait, wait, but God always answers prayers."  One of my other old favorites is Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers." (I should point out, just in case you forgot my dad is a pastor, I realize that no prayer goes unanswered...I never claimed Garth was a theologian...)  But, my point remains, I am thankful for the fact that the Lord knows better than I do and that there are many things that I think I want or need, and yet the Lord says no.  So, on this Thanksgiving Day I thought I would make a list of "unanswered prayers" for which I am thankful.

1-I always prayed that I would become a successful physical therapist in a big city.  For some reason even when I was 12 that's the vision I had for my life.  Living in Chicago, taking the subway to work...and yet, here I am, living in small-town, VA, and teaching.  Not at all what I planned or prayed for my life.  And yet, I cannot think of anything else that would make me more joyful or more fulfilled. 

2-Ex-boyfriends/relationships...enough said.

3-There was a job opportunity last year that would have taken me out of the state.  It seemed like a dream-come-true situation, there were just a few specifics I had to wait on in order for the job to work out. I continued to wait, faithfully prayed, and believed that this was the Lord's plan for my life.  It came time for my contract at my current job and I realized I had to make a decision.  Without the specifics in place, I did not feel like I could make a logical or wise decision to NOT re-sign at my current place of employment for the following year.  Please don't be confused, I LOVE my current job and truly don't believe there is another school in America like mine, but this other job was just too-good-to-be-true.  However, the details did not pan out, I signed my current contract, and in small-town VA I remain.  What a year 2011-2012 is turning out to be.  The Lord has brought some incredible friends into my life over the last year.  I was just telling my mom last night how blessed I am with the dear friends I have in my hometown.  Not to mention, I probably wouldn't have ever run a marathon-and I certainly wouldn't have had as good of a training partner or support system....

4-Perhaps this one isn't so much my "unanswered prayer" as my "un-prayed prayer."  My sister, Jessica, continually begged my parents to have another child after Ryan was born.  For years she would give them a pacifier for Christmas, in hopes that they would have need for it in the coming year.  Jessica prayed that the Lord would allow her to have a new baby brother or sister.  I didn't.  It's not that I don't like babies, because I do.  But, I was getting older (as in, in high school) and I figured it may be a bit embarrassing if my mom showed up pregnant at my high school graduation.  Don't worry, the Lord saved me from that perceived "embarrassment."  Instead He allowed her to be pregnant at my COLLEGE graduation.  And I am so thankful because I CANNOT imagine life without our Jayden Abigail.  (For the record, Jayden means "God has heard.")  She is the kindest, most generous, joyful kid.  Her love for the Lord and relationship with Him is an encouragement and a challenge to me.  She epidimizes the "child-like faith" that so many of us adults have lost.  She is wise beyond her 9 short years.  I often feel like I am conversing with an adult, and yet, she is so goofy and makes me laugh like not many other people can.  Thank the Lord He knows so much better than me!!

So, Happy Thanksgiving!  Take a minute to thank the Lord for the fact that "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9)  Or in the also wise words of Garth "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Richmond Race Reflections

I have a confession: I haven’t run since the Marathon.  In my defense, I thought for sure I had seriously injured my knee.  However, after days of comfrey salve, ice packs, IB Profin, and elf shoes (i.e. Dansko clogs) I was able to rock my heels to school today (okay, they were wedges, but close enough).  It was a minor victory-and this close to Thanksgiving something I added to my “give thanks” checklist.  Anyway, haven’t run.  I was all packed and ready to go back to the gym today, but one of my dearest friends extended the offer to meet her and her adorable kids at the playground after school, and well, who can resist kids who have their own song for me??  That’s right, those kids have a “Miss Jackson” song.  Okay, its very likely plagiarized from the somewhat well-known group, Outkast, but who’s counting?!  So, didn’t make it to the gym. 

This time off has given me plenty of time to think, reflect, and process what I learned over 26.2 miles and way too many hours through downtown Richmond. 

1-I could not plan for just how hard that race was going to be.  I am a bit of a control freak.  I like to plan ahead and anticipate everything that may (or may not) happen.  I prefer to be pro-active rather than reactive.  Kristin and I went in with a plan.  We were going to run for 4-6 miles, walk at the next water stop for 2ish minutes and run for another 4-6 miles, “rinse and repeat.”  That plan held for approximately the first 13 miles.  I don’t remember much after that.  But, I do know that I didn’t stick to that plan.  The nerve of those marathon event planners to pick a course that contained hills, and boring neighborhoods.  Oh, and I do remember needing some kind of nourishment and being offered gummy bears and chocolate chip cookies.  Yea, didn’t plan for that either-all I wanted was a banana.  I did manage to locate an apple, which I ran with for a bit until I took a bite and nearly choked on the peel.  As my “plan” fell apart the Lord reminded me that “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” (Proverbs 16:9).  I had planned my course, I was going to take 2 gummies every 4-6 miles, walk as I refueled, start out so slow that it felt uncomfortable so I could finish strong.  I had planned my course.  The only thing that allowed me to finish that race was the Lord establishing my step after step after step. 

2-I have a little guy in my class this year.  I have had the privilege of being a part of his life for a few years now.  I taught his sister a few years back and his mom is one of my dearest friends (and running buddies-well running encouragers, she is a rockstar runner and I can never keep up.  For the record, she ran Richmond last year.)    Anyway, I know teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but William has a special place in my heart.  He has been battling Type I Diabetes for the last 5 years.  I watch that boy stick his finger multiple times a day, turn down birthday treats because he is too high, or eat peanut butter crackers or multiple liquid yogurts because he is too low.  I watch him struggle to pay attention because his blood sugar is elevated or it is dropping.  I watch him sit out at recess or P.E. because he is too low to participate, or walk laps in the halls because he is too high and his numbers won’t come down.  There are some nights that I baby-sit and I have to wake him up every few hours to prick his finger to check him-again.  What must it feel like to never get a full night’s sleep?  William never complains.  And I mean that. I have never heard him utter one complaint about his condition or its effects.  When my knee began to hurt, or my calf was severely cramping, or my baby toenail was hurting (sidenote: I just lost that toenail! Gross?  Nah, proud battle wound;)  I complained and groaned and moaned.  Poor Kristin-I am afraid I didn’t make the most positive or optimistic running partner.  Anyway, I realized that my sweet William had internalized the Scripture we memorized at the beginning of the year: Philippians 2:14 “Do everything without complaining or arguing.”  He is a superhero and I am daily challenged by his perspective and attitude.  It is a humbling experience when the Lord reveals that I am doing the learning from my students instead of vice versa.

3-Whenever I was training for the marathon and ran alone I always had my trusty IPOD.  I can’t run (alone) without music.  Without fail, whenever I came to the most trying part of the run my IPOD would break into “His Eye is on the Sparrow.”  I know, not one of the most get up and go songs, but remember, my goal of the marathon was SLOW and steady-that song seemed appropriately placed on my running mix for that purpose.  And, it was always so uplifting and encouraging for me to be reminded that “I know He carries me.” (I could have used that carrying around mile 16 by the way.)  Anyway, around mile 20 I think, I ran across a dead sparrow on the course.  This is not a joke, exaggeration, or lie.  I am not sure what I was supposed to learn from that bird.  I considered the fact that God’s eye was on the sparrow, but it was dead.  I tried to determine if that was a bad omen and perhaps I should have ceased the running immediately.  But, I only had one mile to go until I reached my Tim Tebow sign at mile 21-I wasn’t about to quit before that.  At least if I died, I died happy;)

4-In the end, the reward was so worth the pain.  And trust me, there was a LOT of pain.  I have never done anything more physically challenging in my life.  However, the sense of accomplishment I have, the excitement in actually finishing, the sweet medal, they all made it worth it!  Someone pretty wise told me the evening before I ran that there would be a finish line…the race would not last forever.  There were several moments during the race that I wasn’t sure if the end would EVER come, and yet I pushed on, in faith that the finish line actually did exist-after all, others had already made it there, right?  And that was my biggest take away from the race…I think there are times in life that I look around and go, “I could have NEVER anticipated life could be THIS hard.”  I have been blessed to live a relatively “pain free” life.  But, currently I am watching some of my dearest friends go through unthinkable trials.  One of them simply texted me the other day, “This is so hard.”  I bet, in the middle of those trials, it feels like there is no end in sight.  And yet, not only is there an end, there is a reward for finishing.  I have fallen in love with Romans 8 this past week.  (The first part of the chapter I am sure will surface in a later blog.)   However for now, look at Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  And verses 37-39, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Regardless of the trials we suffer, the pain we feel, the betrayal, the failures, the loss, the (you fill-in-the-blank), NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ.  And if you look ahead to the book of Hebrews you will find an entire chapter (11) dedicated to those who have not only run the race, but have also crossed the finish line.  You see, the finish line really DOES exist.  Even if it’s hard to believe at mile 24 when the pregnant lady is urging you on and the tears are starting to fall.  Or if its at age 40 when your future is looking nothing like you imagined it would have 10 years ago-there IS an end to these trials (that’s why they are called temporary)-there IS a finish line, even if you can’t see it from where you are- and when you cross it and look back, I guarantee you the reward will be so worth the pain!